Thursday, November 20, 2008
I have a wierd decease hurting me everyday - being sad without anything sad in my life.
Actually I already found it long times ago. And I tried to cure myself. But nothing seems to be a good medicine for this one. I would sometimes suddenly feel extremely stressed out or depressed without anything bad happening in my life. My mind goes - BLANK. And when I come back to normal, I started question myself what's wrong.
Nothing is wrong for me apparently. But that sets a bad mood for my whole day. So I try to put happy smile on my own face, to make myself 'look' happy. But for the inside...Not really. Comparing to many others, my life seems to be...'successful' up to this second. But what's wrong with me?
Another thing which I don't think it's a decease - smiley face all along. People believe I'm a quite happy person, because I almost have smiley face every day. Sometimes, I am, actually, really happy for some very small reasons, such as...I got to talk to somebody, etc. And another reason for me to be happy, is 'not being depressed without any bad things happening'. I feel heavenly happy for that one. ;) Because it's really hard for me to have a day without...even depressing once. I tried to control it. I tried very hard to 'make' myself very happy. But that even makes me feel worse. And then all sucked things go through my mind. And then...another bad day for me.
I think I'm a very emotional person. I used to write Chinese poems. If you know Chinese poetry, there were a specific type called 'Ci'. The header for all these kind of poems are already set. You have to choose one and write your poem following the original style and ways to word. The way it is worded, is like the Chinese 2000 years ago. That's the kind of poems I always write. My Chinese teacher said I am the 'most talented girl' in my class. I feel proud of myself. And there are also some other students who like to read my poems. I am always 'emotional enough' to write these things. That's part of the reasons I successed. I feel the good for finding the good side of it. Every single thing touches my life.
See...I was trying to make myself happy again. I am always very confident about some part of my personality. But I want to kill the deceased part. But I failed in the end.