Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I don't know where to start.
Since I was very small, I got the idea that I have to listen to whatever my parents say. I must agree to them. I must obey.
Then I became a teenager, I started realizing what is going on in my world. I got my own ability to value something if it's right or wrong. I started having the feelings that I want to talk about beyond simply happy or sad. I have my own ideas - it is certainly influenced by the elders though. But I started have different ways to consider things from them.
But remember, I MUST obey them. I lived in a socialism environment. And our long complex history told us a simple theory, that we should respect and concur with the elders at least in our own family to the end of it, whatever it takes.
But we are not just living in a dark little room. We heard the others. We can actually see the light. We know what's going on since we have more developed senses. We started not to obey, not fully. We want our own little space.
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If you've never heard of it, you should know that in our
world, they can read our diaries, they can hurt us if we don't
want to obey, they never allow anything going on between
two people with different genders - not even hugs, they don't
want you hang out with friends after school or at the weekends,
they want you to take different classes at the weekend and
they can possibly ask your teacher to give you more homework
if they think you don't have enough.
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If you have the same situation with me, I believe you can fully understand unless you want to be such a parent later on. I am personally a very hard-working person, I think. When I get bad grades, I will be really mad myself. And I want to work hard in a way that I think can help me. I 'think' they know that. But additionally, if they see the bad grades too, they will blame you as long as you don't have a grade that they are satisfied with. And most of the time, they'd like to say something over and over again until you get really mad at them. But the result is, you get more punishment for not doing whatever they want you to do.
Failing and finding a better way to succeed is how you learn. I still don't understand why they want to put more things that make us negative but want us to success. Blaming won't work. For me, when you blame more, I will have less desire to do whatever you want me to do. I still don't get what they want in the end.
Talking in a more real way, my mom is a harder worker than a Harvard guy. My Harvard cousin actually said that. She is taking course in community college in order to LEARN ENGLISH not to earn credit or degree. She has all hundreds in her Calculus + Visual Basic + C++ classes. Last time she got a 98 in C++. And she became extremely mad at herself and was really depressed for 3 days. There's certainly something wrong with her, I dare to say. She would study for those courses that she is going to quit eventually until 3 in the morning everyday. And she asks me "what are you doing?" every single minute if she doesn't know what exactly I am doing.
I want to go to college and then get graduated and then get a job eventually. So I don't have to hear someone's words-coming-from-their-wierd-way-of-loving-you. Then I can have my own dynasty. And I swear I won't be someone like them. I'm ashamed.
*I think this is additionally a response to someone else's blog post. Hope you can see it and respond to it.
Labels: thoughts and feelings
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